Indecision and Regret
by, 07-31-2012 at 10:58 PM (219 Views)
Sometimes I sit here and wonder when I can wake up from this dream(like Neo in the Matrix, saying he could swear something is not right but could not tell what). I know I am better off than most, but I always think there is something more, something I am missing, by not being popular in school, or being a good athlete. or not been as shy and talked more to people I liked or everything else I never tried because either of fear that something bad would happen or indecision over whether I should do it or not. Until recently(within the last 5 years or so when I started to use the internet intensely), it was like I was living with blinders on, doing as I was told and expected to do. I could have done anything with only minor consequences, some of these things I can still do now, but don't have the good resources as I did while I was in high school(like learn a new language, both programming and spoken/written) or did not mean enough to have a huge impact on life, like having a girlfriend(but to be fair I really did not want one at the time lol). I am sorry if this seems like it jumps around, but that is what my mind does when I write anything, even something as simple as this. There are days, that kind of happen at random, that I wish I could just sleep all day and not have to worry or think about anything. I always wonder, “What if?” what if I did this, or that. What if I took the chance and opportunity here or there. I sometimes regret not taking those opportunities when I had them, and times I regret taking those opportunities, and wonder what I could have been doing instead. Or what if I dropped out of college and just worked where I do until the end of time. I spend more time worrying and regretting past decisions than I spending time looking at what I could be doing to improve these myself. In the end I just feel I have missed things being indecisive and regretful of everything I do or could have done.